XI - One Size Does Not Fit All

Today, the Coalition unveiled plans for dealing with the long-term unemployed.

Today, a gigantic thunder clap was heard over Northern England, believed to be millions of palms simultaneously hitting foreheads.

The two are believed to be connected.

In the latest batch of Workfare at todays Conservative Party Conference, the government has laid out further plans for their assault on the long term unemployed: Work Programme isn't working? Mandatory Work Activity isn't working? Unleash the Community Action Programme on steroids!

I have little compassion for David Cameron, though even I will have to admit that Cameron is trying to do his best and only following party rules, having inherited a sinking, rotten ship that was burdened with debt thanks to Labour's policies of "We're in debt? Let's borrow more!". But for me, George Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith have little redeeming qualities. Osborne is an odd chap, what I assume a clothes store mannequin would look like if it had a face that resembled a cross between The Krankies and a potato, who seems to be insanely out-of-touch with the actual reality of the economic situation, but at least he seems to hate Iain Duncan Smith, which makes him an actual human being in my eyes, while Iain Duncan Smith could only be redeemed if he was locked in solitary in Broadmoor with ten other sex-starved, 30 stone-plus violent and psychotic inmates for a month, and even then you'd be hard-pressed to find a person afterwards whose hand wouldn't snap like a twig before they tired of punching him in his vapid, dummy-like face.

Essentially, the new governments plans are simple, and on paper, are inviting: From April 2014, you take the long term unemployed (which, in Tory speak, is those unemployed for around three years and have failed to find a job through the governments Work Programme which is still not doing enough to actually help the situation for many people), and do one of three things with them:

• Force them into 30 hours per week Community Service (Picking up litter, visiting old people, watching as they throw themselves under buses)
• Force them to visit the Jobcentre every single day to apply for work 
• The Mandatory Intervention Regime, which legitimately sounds like a program the KGB would run for rooting out INSURGENTS AGAINST THE GLORIOUS MOTHERLAND, but is in fact designed to get those who are illiterate, addicts, generally helpless etc; into work by targeting their problems.

On paper, the idea is that the schemes will either get people into work, or force them off of benefits as they finally give up.

The Tories are promising its the former, it's clearly the latter.

And herein lies the problem: It is based off the false assumption that every single Jobseeker is a lazy and shiftless bag of crap who doesn't want to work, is only claiming benefits for the sake of a free handout, and is based around the laughable idea that community service + forced work experience = immediately hirable employee.

Firstly: No, not every Jobseeker is a lazy and shiftless bag of crap. It's a sad fact that there are people who abuse the system: The chavs wearing grey tracksuit bottoms who spend every penny of dole money on large televisions and Stella, rather than on trainfare and busfare trying to find work, but it's a sad belief that the people of Britain think this applies to everyone.

By shunting people into community work, you're not helping them. You're making them into personalised butlers. Osborne probably walked down London, kicked aside some glass, and thought "If only these darned ruffians cleaned the streets!"

Lightbulb.

So Osborne implemented it. But doing so only removes time applying for jobs for the long term unemployed, and it's a blanket solution: You are giving them only a few transferrable skills, and giving it to a wide range of people. That congests the job market and, inevitably, sets the unemployed back to square one. The problem in the jobs market isn't necessarily that there are a lack of jobs: Indeed, hard enough searches reap rewards, but that people don't have the right set of skills for the time. Right now, there are a plethora of construction and IT jobs out there, waiting to be filled: So instead of shunting them into utterly useless forced community work, why not give them placements in construction or IT, or training if they don't have the skills? If they do, why not incentivise employers to take them on? Why not try and help re-train them or train them further?

I'm sorry, but does that make too much sense? It's almost like you'd actually be helping people rather than forcing them into a blanket scheme.

The second point, being forced to attend the Jobcentre everyday......The less said about that, the better. I'll get onto that later.

Community work. What pointless tosh. I assume they'll dress them up in orange overalls, too. Once again, the criminalisation of unemployment under the Coalition government marches on.

But, you could always refuse it. And people will. You have people giving up and signing off, throwing their hands up and finally admitting its too much. Again, the eyes of naive Britons, it's beautiful: The dole-scrounging apes have finally gone! NOBODY GETS SOMETHING FOR NOTHING!

Except now you have a black hole in the economy: Tell me, how are those apes supposed to contribute to the economical growth and repair of the country? They no longer have an income, so they're not driving any growth into the economy.  They are, even more so, a drain on society. Unless they die, in which case: Hey, whatever.

Oh George, it's so beautiful on paper.

So utterly moronic in practice.

I will throw my hands up and admit that, as a basic idea, Workfare is needed, and if I ever get told that i'll be forced into work by the Jobcentre, I'll take it because right now, i'd suck up pennies from the sewer with my mouth for some spare cash. And y'know what? I do agree that more should be done to deter the actual welfare sponges from claiming welfare. But it's not a solution for actual long term unemployment. Not a solution for those truly desperate for work. Anyone who thinks it is, is a complete fucking imbecile with the intelligence of a grapefruit. It's like putting a plaster on a gaping neck wound, or bandaging an arm that's fallen off.

And the fact that the British people eat it up and believe it to be the choice for healing our broken society shows me that anyone with any semblance of intelligence or heart is escaping this forsaken island in search of a better and brighter home.

Workfare is not stemming the tide of long-term unemployed. It's trying to, and failing to, choke the problem dead. By throttling every single long-term unemployed person into a one-size-fits-all policy, you aren't helping ANYONE. You're discouraging and outright killing the people your supposed to be helping. Yes, people should take whatever job they have and be goddamn grateful for it, but when you are throttling every single person into one category, that's not helping: That's just exploiting fillable holes in a fragile labour market. That's covering your eyes with your hands and thinking that sweeping it all under the rug makes it go away.

And when the person comes out of Workfare, what then?

The British people presumably believe that's it. Once the person comes out of Workfare, instant job and no longer a burden.

Bless them. Such a naive race.

Nope, what you've got is a person with experience, who joins several other people with experience. What you've essentially done is congested the jobs market even further by giving people the same uniform skills and not played to their strengths or given them something sellable: You have, once again, filled the jobs market with potential jobseekers with the same goddamn skills.

It's madness.



And so, back to visiting the Jobcentre everyday.

What does that have in common with everything else the government vomits out?

One size fits all.

One size fits all doesn't work, and the DWP does not understand this simple fact. The jobs market is suffering because there just aren't people with employable skills. When you have post-graduates unable to go on Apprenticeships, and when your solution to long term unemployment is community service, you are doing something wrong as a government. Why not take those graduates and offer them a program to give them skills in Construction or other highly-sought-after skills? Why not take the long-term unemployed, set aside a fund dedicated to getting them into work (ie; incentivising companies to actually take on long-term unemployed. If you can set aside money to force people into community service, surely you can set aside money to entice companies to hire or even just train long-term unemployed with actual highly-sought skills.) and do something about it rather than throwing them into a pit and going "MAKE MEALS FOR THE ELDERLY, OR YOUR BENEFITS DIE!!!"?

Statistics show that those who do go on workfare, around a quarter find a job for up to three months. Only 14.7% found themselves in work for at least six months.

 

This isn't helping, Britain: What do you think happens after workfare? They just return to benefits.

And the problem isn't solved. It just becomes a vicious cycle.

And you think it helps?

You idiotic fools.

Give them personalised help, not this utter tosh the Jobcentre offers in the shape of one-size-fits-and-helps, with the idea being that unemployment is a choice and taking benefits of a choice.

Actually offer help. In Denmark, where unemployment is notoriously low, they spend 1.3% of their GDP on helping the unemployed get into work. How? Personalised help. They don't smother it with a blanket, they offer vocational training and further education for those in dire need of it. They help with job searching in general for the person: Not just a "Here's a job, apply or we axe your benefits", but "Here's a few jobs that will suit you better." They get special support. And y'know what? They reap the benefits: Look at the UN's World Happiness Report 2010-12, where's Denmark?

HEY, LOOK, IT'S FIRST!

And based on it's GDP, Social Support, Freedom to make life choices, Healthy life expectancy, and lack of corruption. In fact, the trend is strong amongst Scandinavian countries where they actually strive to help the unemployed! Norway is second, Sweden is fifth, and Finland (Though whether you agree its technically Scandinavian or not..) is seventh.

 Where's the UK?

22.

Give yourselves a pat on the back.

The moment the government acts to lower unemployment, rather than smothering the unemployed, the sooner it will help. The sooner it becomes clear the government wants to help rather than demonise, the better. The sooner the British public pull their heads from their rears and view their unemployed with dismay rather than contempt, the better. The sooner we can actually help, the better.

But that would require work, and wouldn't demonise Jobseekers, so the Tories cannae do that.

X - Give Quiche A Chance

Friday Night

21:00pm GMT

MISSION BRIEFING:

Alright Phil, tomorrow's mission is your standard infiltration. The Jobcentre are sending you to Kalinka's Bar to rendezvous with Middlesbrough Live Academy at the drop point.

"Wait, what? Kalinka's? What the hell is a Kalinka's? That sounds Russian."

It's an upscale cocktail bar serving the Middlesbrough public, and the job we want you to go for is about the only thing you have experience in: They're looking for glass collectors. So much for being a graduate, eh?

"I think we've already established that studying at Teesside University was a waste of time. Can't I just enquire about work experience?"

No. THE JOBCENTRE WILLS IT, OR WE WILL CLUB YOU TO DEATH AND EAT YOUR BONES. Ahem. Your mission is to hand in a copy of your CV in at Kalinka's and then pray that you can find a job. Radar photographs show that the area will be heavily guarded by pissed-up Smoggies, since tomorrow is Middlesbrough Music Live. The drunken Smoggies should give you enough cover to appear to be the smartest and most apt person there, thus giving you a chance of getting the job. Are you ready?

"Geezus, Middlesbrough Music Live? I hope you're paying for a stab vest. Do I get health insurance?"

The NHS will tend to your--

"THE NHS?!?! It just gets worse! So, I take a copy of my CV into Kalinka's, hand it in to someone who appears to know what they're talking about, and get out?"

Well, it wouldn't hurt to mingle with your future prospective employers.

"So, this isn't just an infiltration, but reconnaissance too? Seems like a lot of hoops to jump through for £100, considering I already cleared it up with you that i'm looking to apply for TEFL which will get me off your books sooner and indefinitely, but whatever gets me paid."

We've left you a tuxedo at the bar. Good luck, Agent.

"A tuxedo? It's Middlesbrough Music Live! Get me my satchel, my vomit-stained jeans, a leather jacket, and i'll fit right in!"

Lastly, photographs of the area show that someone from Geordie Shore was there tonight, and that you may have to rub elbows with chavs and general drunken people. Concerning statistics gleaned from ASDA applications earlier, we noted that over 2,000 people applied for 16 vacancies. While this provides excellent cover, we don't know if the NHS will be able to help you if you enter the Bar and find yourself crushed against a wall beneath a heaving column of Jobseekers flesh.

"Great. Crushed beneath a heaving column of flesh. I could go to Blu and get that done without jumping through hoops. Alright, Agent out."

SATURDAY MORNING

11:30am GMT

Are you ready, agent?

"This CAN'T be happening. You know I get that deer-caught-in-headlights stare when talking to other people, least of all future employers, and now you want me to enter a Bar and do it?!"

Agent, this is brilliant practice for the future! That and it gets you out of our hair because we don't give a single shit about you. 

"Well, at least the Jobcentre is truthful in that. Alright, i'm heading out now. Wish me luck."

Piss off, welfare sponge.

"Charming."

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

12:30pm GMT  

"This is Phil. I'm at the TU. Printing off CV and then heading for Kalinka's."
 

What's the security situation like?

"Quiet. Too quiet. Market stalls are being set up. There's a fair outside the library. Currently printing off mission documentation and expecting ninjas to get the drop on me. Chavvy ninjas. Chavvy heroin addict drunken ninjas."

Agent, we appreciate it, but you're still a welfare sponge and we still expect you to do this even though you've made it clear you want a career in Teaching English as a Foreign Language. STOP MESSING ABOUT AND COMPLETE YOUR MISSION!

"Look, I performed some early morning recon and I don't know if an event is occurring or what? Look, I don't want to be sucked in, or else the mission could be compromised. This should just be a standard walk-in and drop-off. I don't want to listen to shitty music and I certainly don't want to be forced to buy tickets just to hand in a CV!"

Agent, ARE YOU DARING TO IMPLY YOU ARE LAUNCHING AN INSURRECTION AGAINST THE JOBCENTRE? WE WILL WITHHOLD YOUR MONEY FOR 10 QUINTILLION YEARS IF YOU DO SO, EVEN IF IT IS AN ABNORMALLY HEAVY-HANDED PUNISHMENT FOR A MINOR INFRACTION!!!!

"Well, I have to eat, so I guess it's off to Kalinka's I go. When I get back, remind me to give your Jobcentre a few Molotov Cocktails."

You can get arrested for that.

"Oh no. You mean my own cell, three free meals a day, exercise and other privileges? Yikes, please don't do that to me!"

You are a pathetic individual.

"Tell that to the people who commit crimes just to get support from the state thanks to your red tape and abnormal loopholes that can prevent people from getting money they need at any time."

NOBODY USES LOGIC AGAINST THE JOBCENTRE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. OFF WITH YOU, AGENT!

"If I don't survive, spread my ashes at Saint James' Park so I may choke a Geordie in my death."

It's technically the Sports Direct Arena.

[Laughs] "Ah, man, that never gets old."

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

1:15PM GMT

Agent, are you there?

"This is Agent P. The mission headed south but I handed in my CV and escaped. I believe Kalinka attempted to use a new form of mind control to subdue me into staying."

No, Agent, we picked up on that feed: It was just shitty music.

"Oh."

But your mission was a success?

"Oh, yes, because stuttering, mumbling, smiling weakly and handing in my CV amongst a throng of  dead-eyed Jobseekers is a sign of success."

Still, you mingled with the people and a prospective employer.

"In Red Dwarf, there's a scene where Arnold Rimmer, having turned from a narcissistic egomaniac into a weak, limp-wristed pacifist, wears a t-shirt saying 'Give Quiche A Chance' and talks about pacifying an incredibly violent and malevolent Polymorph that's on Red Dwarf."

And?

"That's how I feel doing this on the Jobcentre's commands: Utterly useless, going nowhere, and generally stuttering like a moron in the hope something will come of it. They also held interviews, y'know."

AND?!

"I didn't stay for that part. When the owner wears grey tracksuit bottoms and ignores you, and when you're just randomly picked to have an interview after an hour of waiting, I just dropped my CV off."

INSOLENCE! YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED!

"I did what was asked of me. That's all. I wasn't prepared for an interview, and I tried to speak to the owner. If he doesn't want anything of it, then so be it."

Fine. Come home. Until the next day when we'll ask you to visit a conference centre in Newcastle or somewhere just to attend a jobs fair.

"I'm heading off to recon whatever is going on. Music Live or whatever"

Agent, are you insane?! IT'S MUSIC LIVE! THERE ARE DANGEROUS, IMBECILIC DRUNKARDS OUT THERE LISTENING TO HORRID INDIE MUSIC! IT'S SUICIDE!!"

"I'm a smoggy. I don't fear death. In fact, I welcome it! As you can tell by the general quality of air we breathe. Besides, it's only on tonight, and what's the worst that could happen when it comes to market stalls? Aside from food poisoning?"

Agent, if you die, we will harass your family with letters asking why you haven't shown up to sign on, because we're utterly incompetent at filing and following updates on our clients, and even if we're told someone dies, we still send them letters!

"Veni. Vidi. Vici."

Agent Peter, head for the extraction point this instant!

"MY NAME IS PHILIP, DAMN YOU! PHILIP! HOW DO YOU EVEN MIX THOSE TWO WORDS UP, YOU IDIOTS?! PETER HAS A HARD "PUH" INFLECTION, AND PHILIP HAS A SOFT "FIH" INFLECTION! I'M AN ENGLISH STUDENT, DAMN YOU, AND I CAN SPELL MY OWN GODDAMN NAME!!!!!!!!!"

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

2PM GMT

"This is Agent P. I'm at the extraction point. Or, as we call it, Middlesbrough Bus Station."

Good to see that you are still alive, Peter.

"IT'S PHILIP!"

Look, the Jobcentre has better things to do than know your name. What have you learnt from today?

  "When the Jobcentre says jump, I have to say "How High?" or else you'll stop my money, because you're too busy punishing the people who need it and not stopping the people who are just using it to buy massive televisions?"

 Good. Now that you thoroughly embarrassed yourself and handed your CV in during an event that could have got a normal agent killed, are you ready for your classroom session on Monday?

"You know what? I honestly don't think it's worth the effort. If it wasn't for the fact that I would pick up dog crap in my teeth just for a pound, I wouldn't even give you vapid sodomite pustules the time of day, but now you've got me by the balls, I have to do everything by the book. Tell me: I've already given you my plan. I've already let you know there is no chance in hell i'm signing back on once I complete my TEFL course, so why do I have to do these stupid missions? I have already brought dishonor upon myself and my family, so why must we overegg the pudding?"

Because the Government doesn't care. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'd love to give you a service that would actually help, but y'see, the Government is the one who is more concerned with catching people out and punishing those claiming welfare or removing them from welfare, rather than actually getting you a job.

"Wait, what?"

Look, we work for hours upon hours, dealing with violent drunks or heroin addicts, as well as dead-eyed students such as yourselves, and what do we get for it? The Tories and Lib-Dems pissing on us from a great height. It's not about finding you a job, it's about catching you out. It's an expensive game of British Bulldogs: We stand there and watch as you run past us to your benefits. The moment you so much as slip a toe in front of us, we'll grab you and you then become one of us: Dying inside with a complete hatred of those who get to claim benefits.

"So, our sad and pathetic existences are entwined with eachother?"
 

Yep.

"Then, in that case, I guess i'll be in on Monday."

Good. Oh, and agent? If Kalinka's has another recruitment event, guess where you'll be going?

"Under the wheels of a nearby bus?"

Atta boy!

MISSION COMPLETED

200 EXP AWARDED

 £135 AWARDED 

"GIVE QUICHE A CHANCE" ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED

IX - Everything Causes Violence

Music. Video Games. Television. Pornography.

What do they all have in common?

Middle-aged/old morons think they cause violence in the youth.

It's an odd paradox: In the previous generation, it was believed to be music that caused murder and suicide. Bands such as Judas Priest were accused of hiding subliminal messages in their music to encourage fans to commit suicide. Bullshit, of course, but the older generation at the time were quick to crap themselves and ramp up the scare.

The generation prior to them, it was television and pornography. Television was the tool of the devil, and touching your privates made Jesus kill a bag of puppies according to the older generation.

The generation prior to them, it was.....Well, they were too busy fighting the Nazi's to bother blaming the generation before them, mostly because they were too busy burying them.

For our generation, what causes violence? What is the moral shock seizing the throat of the world? What is turning our children into feral, untameable youth?

Bad parenting? Politicians teaching us that corruption and lying makes you rich? Bankers teaching us we can fail and still make it big while someone pays off our mistakes? Sex scandals from celebrities? Celebrity suicides?

Of course not, that would require the older generation to take the blame. Instead, the blame is falling on the internet and video games.

It's a relentless circle: An older generation blames something released in the newer generation for causing violence, sin and vice. Then it goes away. Then that newer generations blames something released in the next generation for causing violence, sin and vice, despite living through the last moral panic and realising its all absolute bullshit spewed by morons who look at a camera and think "WHEN THAT FLASH GOES OFF, IT TAKES MY SOUL!". Then that newer generation blames something released in the even newer generation for causing......You get the picture.

I wonder what our generation will blame as causing a moral panic amongst the next generation? "Virtual Reality causes violence, sexual tension and loitering!"? We'll see.

Anyway, I digress, back onto my point: The sheer imbecility of blaming everything new for our problems. In this case: The internet and video games.

 In the world of logical fallacies, there is a major logical fallacy stating that Correlation does not imply causation. It is as it says: Just because two events are remotely linked (Man shoots other man, Shooter plays video games, therefore video games causes violence) does not mean that they have caused the effect. Likewise, I could say that eating chocolate causes violence: Man shoots other man, Shooter ate a lot of chocolate, therefore chocolate causes violence. But that's bullshit, isn't it? "CHOCOLATE DOESN'T CAUSE MOOD CHANGES OR EXPOSES US TO VIOLENCE"

I don't know: We're all taught to fight to the death for the last Rolo.

What about television? Barely anyone points the finger at television anymore. Hell, we could improve Britain and remove talent shows for good: Man shoots other man, Shooter watched Britains Got Talent and X Factor religiously, therefore TV talent shows cause violence. See how facetious the reasoning is? Hell, let's turn the facetiousness up to eleven: Man shoots other man, Shooter breathes air, therefore breathing causes violence.

See? Utter imbecility, and yet because we jab the finger at video games and technology, it suddenly turns from laughable reasoning into the stark truth.

Nick Clegg stated that video games have a detrimental effect on personality, with players living in a "Hermetically sealed world" and that, essentially, they don't go out and they don't socialise.

Basically, a man who hasn't heard of online multiplayer games.

I agree that children shouldn't stay cooped in playing video games: After all, they're missing out on valuable time getting stabbed in the streets of London, getting eachother pregnant and getting pissed on Lambrini and tormenting bystanders.

The problem isn't video games. But the older generations refuse to accept that. After all, by blaming video games, you can blame something that's essentially faceless, an institution. But if you blame the poor parenting, then you'd be causing trouble and be pinning the blame on actual people. Can't have that.

Why don't we blame bad parents? It's bloody simple: A recent story was a man who got mugged (Stabbed and beaten with a brick) by two teenagers after buying GTA V at the midnight release. In the early hours of the morning, he was mugged and stabbed.

Yeah, fuck Grand Theft Auto. But what about the parents? Heaven fucking forbid the parents should take the blame for allowing their little bastards to be out in the early hours of the morning!

But hell, yeah, just blame the video games. If a child goes out and stabs a man to mug him, it's Call of Duty's fault. It's not the fault of the parent for failing to teach their child rights and wrongs, It's not the fault of the parent for failing to take proper care of their child and making sure they are not up to unsavoury behaviour, and it's certainly not the fault of the parent for checking their child and their stuff to make sure they're not stashing lethal weaponry.

If a childs out drinking on the street corner, why are the parents not concerned as to where their child is? Why the hell do parents allow their tiny little shits to go out to pubs and nightclubs? Why don't parents just not give a shit anymore? They don't care, they just let them loose like feral animals.

Of course, it's easy to blame the animals themselves, rather than the handlers, right?

And Clegg says we shouldn't be cooped up inside all day playing video games since it gives us no experience of the real world. Clegg is partially right, but attaching these wee bastards to video games is probably the only way the streets will be safe. After all, Nicky-boy, which is better: Having a child grow up around video games, picking up knowledge of technology, and possibly making friends with a wide array of cultures and creeds due to the wider accesibility of the internet, or having a child let loose on the streets by parents who don't give a shit?

Answers on a postcard.

I was brought up right: I was always taught that there were consequences for my actions. I was always taught to be polite and have manners. When I was young, I played outside a lot (NOTE: Of course, as time went on, technology unravelled and I found it more interesting to play video games than play outside (Mostly because my neighbours are arseholes and, after a certain point, the large groups of kids and teens playing outside dwindled to nothingness.) Of course, i've been accused of living in a hermetically-sealed world and being unsociable. Never mind the fact that I made plenty of friends in Secondary School and in Sixth Form. And I socialised in University with the few people I could stand. And the fact that despite playing video games, my wanderlust hasn't been satisfied an inch..) Because, mostly, parents cared. If you carried a knife, they'd probably clip you around the lughole and take it away from you. And you'd take the clip like a man.

Nowadays, you can barely jab a finger at a child without being accused of being abusive. Since when the fuck did a slap on the bottom count as abuse? If you're beating a child black and blue, that's abusive, but a sharp slap on the rear? How is that abuse? It's discipline.

It's what todays youth lack.  And you can see the results: Youth today think of themselves as untouchable, and they've turned violent. Do we pin the blame on a severe lack of discipline? As a society, do we blame ourselves because our attitudes have become marshmallow soft and we let little Jeremy return, caked in blood and carrying a knife, without batting an eyelid?

No, because....because.....BECAUSE GRAND THEFT AUTO!

Fucking video games, eh?

And likewise, in the recent Washington Navy Yard shooting, a man with a history of mental health issues, that went largely ignored, shot up the Navy Yard. Of course, did the media pick up on the fact that he had these mental health issues that, combined with service in the military and the fact he owns a rifle, may just combine into a lethal cocktail?

Oh, of course not. He played Call of Duty. Blame that shit. Heaven forbid we should blame the the police forces of the United States for not noticing he had a history of mental health issues and violent crime, and not committing him to a mental institution or psychiatric help, or the systems that helped him pass firearms checks and security background checks with the same health issues.

No, it's all Call of Duty's fault.


 --

Right now, I want to stand back and pick a fight with something else too. My generation and the blames we shoulder.

Our generation has delusions of grandeur, insanely high hopes for the future, and are frequently lambasted for believing everything should be given to us for nothing. And we get blamed for believing ourselves to be entitled and with an unwarranted sense of self-importance.

And the older generation will gladly scuttle through the dirt and point fingers at us for this attitude.

But maybe we picked it up from higher forms of power?

See, I don't know if anyone else has a similar train of thought, but the accusations of grandeur against my generation seemed to come in thick and fast around the time of the global economic crisis. Y'know, the same crisis where gigantic banks such as the Lehman Brothers failed, and the taxpayer was called upon to bail them out. And what happened to the Lehman Brothers? A slap on the wrist fine, despite accusations of short-selling and being involved in the subprime mortgage crisis (Which was a great indicator of a Yanks intelligence: Take out a mortgage you can't afford to pay back, watch as the rates spiral high thanks to the decline in U.S house prices, default, and watch the banks just snatch them up) And, of course, what about Richard Fuld Jr., the CEO of Lehman Brothers?

Oh, y'know, still rich and no legal action taken against him.

Goldman Sachs was accused of short-selling subprime mortgage securities, and have been accused of helping hide the extent of Greece's true debt, hiding its own earnings (or rather, losses) from 2008-2009. What did they get? Slap on the wirst. And what about Lloyd Blankfein?

Still rich and no legal action taken against him.

Of course, I could run through a list of banks that were noted to be "too big to fail" until my fingers fall off, but you get the picture: Barely any of the major bankers who contributed to the ongoing global economic crisis have been prosecuted. CEO's and Bankers still walk off with millions in profit and bonuses, even if they fail or are short of their goals.

Then you have politicians, who claim expenses for trivial items such as doghouses and the like, and the public is expected to foot the bill.

Then you have companies who can dodge tax (Such as Starbucks and Amazon), and what happens? A fat load of nothing.

But yeah, fuck my generation. Bunch of lazy bastards expecting something for nothing. After all, they totally could not have got the idea from the attitudes and actions of the real world that has unfolded around them.

No wonder we hold such delusions when we turn on the news and are taught one thing: Someone else will just foot the bill for our failures.




And fuck the youth of today. Bunch of violent little criminals who are untouchable. After all, that could totally not be subverted or avoided by having parents actually care, or by re-introducing actual discipline against them for serious crimes.
It's video games.

And that is the root of all problems: They refuse to pin the blame on the actual causes of the problems. They pin the blame on either those who end up suffering because of the problems, or the causes which aren't actually the causes, because they can't stand blaming themselves or an actual high power.

Society is screwed. Civilisation is becoming uncivilised.

And it's all the fault of video games and us.

Albert Einstein once said: I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

And when, in a thousand to two thousand years time, our future kin are sitting in bunkers, reading tales of the war that ended the world, hiding from feral gangs of irradiated psychopaths wielding clubs and boulders, they will come across World War III, and what will it say? Will it say that the governments were to blame? Will it say that society's habit of refusing discipline caused a rise in violent crime, and a blameless attitude allowed such exchanges to escalate into war? Will it say that our habit of paying for other people's failures had us just sit back and watch the bombs rain down rather than fighting?

No, it will probably blame Pac Man.

History and its insane moral shocks march on.

VIII - The Tragedy: Act I, Scene I

[Scene is a large room with several tables set up in a square. A projector shines a slideshow of Social Media onto the wall. The room is drab and lifeless, and the Careers Advisor is orange and almost day-glo.]

[Enter Phil]

Phil's Brain: Yep, that's right: I went through five years of further education to go back to Secondary School.

[Enter 11 other hopeless prospects. Their legs almost drag, their stares are blank, and a silence is amongst them.

The 12 jobless take their seats.]

Careers Advisor: So, today, we're going to focus on Social Media and it's place within searching for jobs. First, we just need to take a register.

Phil's Brain: This is it. This is really it. This is my life. It's over. Wodan, if you have any mercy for perhaps the last of your followers, strike my heart into stillness and take me to the gates of Asgaard!

[Register is called out]

Phil: Here.

[Register continues to be called out. Once taken, the Careers Advisor, a cheerful young woman, almost day-glo, with a general friendly demeanour, stands in front of the table.]

Advisor: So, today, we're going to focus on Social Media. Right now, i'd like you to introduce yourselves and tell everyone about your job prospects, why you're unemployed, something to tell us!

Phil's Brain: THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING. I'M BACK IN PRIMARY SCHOOL NOW.

[Jobseekers, in dreary, monotone, dead voices, answer. Most are 19 years old out of further education. One was recently laid off. Advisor looks at Phil.]

Phil: I'm Phil. Twenty one. Recent graduate of English Studies, and it was a waste of time.

[Cue a few chuckles, either of agreement or possibly self-righteous laughs of people not stupid enough to waste time in University.]

Advisor: .....Right. So, what are your job prospects?

Phil: Teaching English as a--

Advisor: Teaching?

Phil [Impatiently]: Teaching English as a Foreign Language. Need to go on a TEFL course.

Advisor: Postcode?

[Stunned few seconds of silence]

Phil's Brain: She's thicker than a goddamn oatcake.

Phil: No. TEFL course. Need money for it--

Advisor: And have you looked into funding for it?

Phil's Brain: No, why do you think i'm here? For FUN?!

Phil: Not available for postgraduates.

Advisor: Ah, moving on.

[Greetings are finished.]

Advisor: So, we're going to talk about Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin. How many of you use Facebook?

[A general smattering of "Yup" goes up, like mini Dave Hester's are in the room.]

Advisor: ..Can we have a show of hands, just so I can see?

[Everyone raises their hands]

 Advisor: Right, so, you all know how to use it, then?

Phil's Brain: No, we put our arms up because we all got cramp in unison.

Advisor: Did you know you could use Facebook for job searching?

Phil's Brain: THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE!

Advisor: Y'see, above your profile, there's a little bar called a search bar..

Phil's Brain: We're not even human fucking beings anymore. We're petulent little maggots incapable of thought now.

[Image of timeline shows up on screen]

Advisor: Now, this is a picture of your Timeline. I don't know if anyone elses is like that..

Phil's Brain: EVERYONE'S IS! IT'S A GODDAMN UNIVERSAL CODING!

Advisor: ...But everyone can see it if you don't have privacy settings enabled. So, I don't know if you know, but you can scroll down, add life events, view your pictures...

Phil's Brain: Oh Wodan, this is real. This is actually real. She thinks we're all morons who signed up to Facebook and then licked the screen for an hour before logging off. THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

Advisor: I mean, during one session, large session, someone actually searched me on Facebook and found my pictures, and were showing them to his mates! Honestly! That's why it's a good idea to enable privacy settings, otherwise everyone can search you. Now, onto Twitter...

Phil's Brain: This is it. This is the end. Phil, I'm sorry, but as your brain, I really need to shut down right now. I have been with you throughout the good and the bad, but you've hit bottom so hard that it's beginning to make me feel physical pain. We went through so much education together, I became so smart and filled with knowledge, and now they believe I am an underfed husk like the brains of the other people here. Phil, tonight, I may just shut down permanently and place us both into a state of permanent hibernation, until the year 10,000 CE when the Jobcentre is destroyed by a sentient race of flying brains. I did not go through so many years of education, and do not hold so many creative thoughts, just for hostis humani generis to turn around and treat me like a retard.

  [Advisor continues on. Everyone's face is blank, their souls dead and their dreams destroyed. This is what being a Smoggy truly is all about: Death and despair.]

Advisor: So, on Twitter, they use these things called hashtags, so you can join, like, a global conversation..

Phil's Brain: I think i'll overdose us both with serotonin. But the stores are empty. Why is the serotonin always gone?

Advisor: ...Onto Linkedin. Linkedin is like a social site, but a lot different from Facebook and Twitter. It's a site you can pay for if you want, for extra features, but it's used to really host your CV and network with employers..

Phil's Brain: That's basically just every job site ever conceived.

Advisor: ...So on this site, potential employers or your friends can write recommendations for you, or previous employers. See, there's this thing called six degrees of a seperation, anyone heard of it?

[A few murmurs roll through the room]

Advisor: So, like, I went to Florida, and you book into a hotel in Florida, and at poolside you can find yourself talking to someone who lives five minutes away! And that's what can happen here: Potential employers and the like..

[A loop of The Real McKenzie's "The Lads Who Fought And Won" plays repeatedly in Phil's Brain. Phil's eyes appeared glazed, as if the last parts of his soul that weren't crushed and destroyed by life in North East England are finally escaping, having given up altogether.]

Advisor: ....So, I hope this was helpful!

Nearby Jobseeker: Should we fill out these forms?

[Jobseeker motions to forms on table. The same forms are in front of everyone.]

Advisor: Oh, yes, please fill them out so we can contact you with any possible help...

[A rattling of pens and chairs occurs as the Jobseeker's lean forward and fill out the forms. Phil's pen, barely working, is scraped lifelessly across the form as he appears essentially dead.]

Phil's Brain: Not so fast, buddy. If I have to suffer, you must too.

Advisor [Talking to Jobcentre Staff]: So, are these held fortnightly?

Staff: Well, they happen every fortnight, then we take a break. So tomorrow's the second week, then we'll take a break, then we'll hold other sessions..

Phil's Brain: THERE'S MORE SESSIONS??!?! Right, screw this, you can go again. I'm outta here.

[Phil's eyes glaze over as the sound of scurrying footsteps and a slamming door echo in his skull. Phil is handed a second form, an Action Plan.]

Advisor: So, fill these out, so we can get an idea of how to help you.

Phil [Quietly]: Just like fucking Primary School..

[Jobseekers fill out forms, sliding them across the table. Several leave as Advisor hands out more pieces of paper.]

Advisor: This is how to create a Linkedin account and the like. You graduates, here's some sites you can use..

Phil: Sites we've already been given countless times already. And being taught how to do something simple.  

[Phil fills in the forms. More Jobseekers leave.]

Phil's Brain: This is just tragic. C'mon, let's get outside. Then you can look at the other dead, soulless cretins and at least be thankful you're not an old, dead soulless cretin

[Exit Phil. Outside in Eston, it's raining. A police van has pulled up outside Barclays with several officers jostling outside. Behind him, an inbred and drunk woman is shouting at a security officer, just doing his job, because she's a thankless cow. Phil walks out, noticing the grey, drab and lifeless scenery.]

Phil:  Somebody, please shoot me. Or at the very least, nuke this place.

[End of Act I, Scene I]

VII - Back To The Future

Every person I speak to about Jobcentre Plus says the same things about them.

"Oh, they help a lot!"

Nope.

"They're great!"

No.

"They helped me get a job!"

Nada.

"They made me jump through several hoops for my payments. My meetings were often patronising. When asked to attend sessions, they simply repeated things I already knew and were of little help. In the end, I was the one who got me a job, no thanks to them."

DING DING DING!

Attending my first of several 18-24 Online Job Searching sessions today, I realised that it's going to be a long fortnight. Why? Because not only was it stuff I already knew, but it was stuff that Jobcentre staff themselves had gone over me with and made me do.

In the words of Charlie Brown: "GOOD GRIEF".

Thankfully, their Internet was down, meaning my session is one I have to do at home. It makes me feel like i'm fucking 10 again. "Go home and do this, and bring it back for tomorrows class!"

Only this time, I won't get detention: I'll be withheld money which I direly need for my TEFL course.

As a 21 year old brought up in the 90s and hitting my teenage years when Apple brought out the first iPod and technology was advancing so fast it took me 2 years to realise my friends Blackberries weren't actual fruits, I think I know a thing or two about technology. In Part A alone, i'm required to set up a sensible e-mail account with my name and a number (Did that the very first time I set up my e-mail, over a decade ago.), download my CV (I created the bastard), Send it to the Jobcentre (Did that with my advisor a fortnight ago), and set up a folder for ongoing job applications (Did that when my Inbox started getting messages from Nigerian princes.) Also, BEWARE OF PHISHING

Wait, you mean the guys who want to give me a gigantic twenty foot long penis AREN'T legitimate? Well, gosh darnit, I wish I hadn't given them my debit card details!

Part B is even better: Signing up to Universal Jobs Match.

I was told to do this when I first signed on, so guess who has two thumbs and already has the bases covered?

THIS GUY!

It runs down a list of stuff that should, presumably, have been done by a Jobseeker first time around: Upload CV? Check. Personalise skills for job matches? Check. Activate goddamn account? Check. Find a job and save it? Check, check, bloody check.

There's so many checks here I think I may be back in the Republic. (Note: That's a joke about the pronunciation of 'check' and 'Czech', in case anyone was wondering.)

All done, all dusted, and I did it in the past. I am Marty McFly.

Part C just takes the cake: Getting a Job on the Internet.

I had to read a hand-out that essentially stated "Sign up for jobs, upload your CV. We will not take 'There are no jobs' for an answer. Now, go along."

Of the eight sites they pasted the logos of onto the paper, I'm signed up for 7.

Marty McFly strikes again!

Applied for two jobs (In addition to two already applied for this morning), and then came having to contact a local employer with my CV.  Did so, as I have done several times before. Bang, done.

The problem is that it isn't much help.

It's bases i've covered so many times that it's second nature and almost like a full-time job in of itself. Log on first thing in the morning, apply for at least two jobs, grab breakfast, check for more jobs, apply for any available, contact possible employers...and the Jobcentre seems to believe that just going over bases already covered will help.

Though I understand that there are a lot of cases of parasitical leeches who have caused anyone seeking benefit to be declared a fraud and a parasite, who don't want jobs so much as they want free money, but it's the same stuff I don't really need. I can do this by heart now, and it's irritating. What I want is a session where I can sit down with my advisor and talk out my plans for my future.

I want to apply for a TEFL course. I want to go abroad and teach. I want you to help me either get there or find a job that can distract me while getting there.

Ergo, there's the problem: The Jobcentre isn't focused on what you want, but what they want. You are merely a number on a database that, as far as they're concerned, is a leech and should be removed as soon as possible. This is why they vomit out poorly-planned sessions: There's no personal touch, there's no real contact, it's just that you are a leech and should be erased.

I don't want to live here, dammit! Surely you can help if you realise that's one less burden on the taxpayer?!

But no, "Sign up for Jobsmatch, apply for jobs, and do everything you've done since Secondary School." Then it's "Thank you, fuck you, bye".

It's all about catching out the leeches, and not about getting anyone a job. If they don't catch you out, they will wear you down until you simply concede defeat. Want to know why the unemployment figures fall? Because people aren't finding work, no, if they were, they'd heavily advertise the amount of people in work: Instead, it's advertising people who have simply given up.

Sick of the red tape, sick of the vomited out sessions, sick of being patronised, and would rather commit suicide by tying a noose around their neck to a lamppost, sitting in a car and driving off at 60mph, leaving a streak of blood as they drive to Valhalla's gates in a broken down Ford.

Maybe if they spent more time listening and helping, and less time lording over pointless schemes and pointless things already done by anyone with half a brain, the country might look better.

But the Tories want everything by the book, so they can pretend they're helping.

And all it's doing is hindering.

VI - Varus, Give Me Back My Legions! (And My Generation)

Everybody loves an underdog.

Success stories are still uncommon in todays society, so an underdog story is always welcome. After hearing tales of bankers being let off with a slap on the wrist, politicians being liars, paedophiles, bigots, racists and cheats and still getting off with large bonuses and remaining in jobs, celebrities being gigantic arseholes and talentless wastes of carbon and still getting paid billions, and having to bear witness to the general dregs and underlings of society rise to the top while the good, hard-working, long-suffering people sink to the bottom...An underdog story is refreshing.

As a major history buff, one underdog story that never fails to captivate my imagination is Teutoburg Forest 9 AD.

To sum it up: The Roman Empire was expanding, and expanding fast.  By 9 AD, the Empire had a large list of territories: Egypt, Gaul, Iberia, Illyria, Pontus, Parts of Africa including Carthage, Sparta, Athens, Parts of Germania, Britain.....and their opponents at Teutoburg, the Germanic tribes, had.....an awkward relationship.

The problem for Germania was they suffered the same problem as the Celtic Iberians and Gauls who had fallen before Rome: There was in-fighting, bickering, and constant tribal wars. Celtic tribes would regularly pledge allegiance to Rome just to fight another tribe (Notably, prior to the Gallic Wars, Caesar had allies in Celtic tribes, notably the Aedui, who helped them beat the Helvetii), and in the end, Rome just subjected them to her rule anyway. Germania was odd: Though Rome held snippets of Germanic territories, Germanic tribes fought tooth and nail to remain a thorn in Rome's side. East of the Rhine was generally uncontrolled, and even though Rome had gained some victories against Germania, notably exterminating the Cimbri (A major Germanic tribe), tribes such as the Marcomanni and Chatti rose up to keep Rome on its toes. Rome had few major gains in Germania: The territory it did have was labelled Germania Minor. Rome made a point to subdue tribes such as the Cherusci and Cananefates, but tribal alliances (Such as a large alliance between the Marcomanni, Hermunduri, Lugians, Langobards and various others) ensured Rome was kept busy.

The Cherusci were an early victim, being subdued in 12 BC, and was considered a Roman ally. Segimerus, Chieftain of the Cherusci, handed over his two sons, Arminius and Flavus, to the Romans as a tribute, essentially "Please don't hurt us." However, at the time (6-9 AD) a major uprising was occurring in Illyria, thanks to the Daesitiates, Pannonians and Breuci in unrest at severe starvation and Roman rule. Germania was barely held together by Rome, and with a severe uprising occurring, the governor, Tiberius, had to abandon his campaign to gain land in Germania to head to Illyria. He had planned to go to war with the Marcomanni (A major Germanic tribe) who had, as stated earlier, rallied several tribes, across the Rhine, but couldn't do this, instead heading off to a costly war.

Quinctilius Varus was installed as governor. He had just three legions against a horde of very angry, very pissed and very untameable Germanic tribes.

However, relations deteriorated between Germanic tribes rapidly following in-fighting and constant skirmishes and wars against eachother. At least when Tiberius marched off, the Germans were too busy fighting eachother.

Enter Arminius....again.

Though his father was viewed with disdain by Germanic tribes, Arminius, having been raised and trained by Rome, and returned to his tribal homeland to accompany and aid Varus in his governing, drew together a secret alliance, united under their despisal of Varus, including the Cherusci,  Chauci, Chatti and Suebi. Not only was this list a long list of enemies, but it was also a list of Roman dominions: States under Roman rule in Germania.  An uprising occurred, and Varus quickly rushed off to subdue it. Arminius led him.

At this point, the stupidity of Varus really shows:

1) Varus was warned by Segestes, father of Arminius' wife (Who, like any stepfather, loathed the husband, Arminius), that Arminius was planning an assault and had planned the uprising. Varus ignored him, on basis that Segestes was always going to be hostile to Arminius and attempt to undermine him. Perhaps the only case in history ever recorded of a stepfather telling the truth.

2) Arminius rode off away to "drum up Germanic support for Rome". He instead drummed up Germanic support and troops for his planned attack, destroying local Roman garrisons, thus essentially forcing Varus on his route through Teutoburg Forest to erect a camp on his way to the uprising. Varus didn't find it fishy that Arminius had just rode off and that local garrisons were being randomly destroyed.

3) Varus, marching on a several-mile trek through Teutoburg, didn't have his troops rest, even though they were marching in non-combat formation and it began raining, thus bogging them down in heavy mud, nor did he send out advanced reconaissance to scout the gigantic forest that might possibly hold several-thousand pissed off Germanic tribal warriors.

Varus kept marching. The Germans attacked.

Now, this was a forest, heavily crowded. On a narrow path. Bogged with rain. With camp followers and a baggage train being carried. In non-combat formation. In unfamiliar territory. Against Germans familiar with the territory. Led by a man familiar in Roman tactics.

You can basically see how this ends.

The Germans clashed with the Romans, and thousands died. The Romans could not counter as Arminius directed the troops (Notably, the troop numbers were heavily bolstered by deserting Germanic Roman militia and auxiliaries who had joined the cause of Arminius) to counter these tactics perfectly. A struggle ensued, and the survivors rushed off, setting up a night camp hastily. The next day, they rushed out into the Wiehen Hills, still harassed by pursuing Germanic warriors. More men died. In a desperate night march, the Romans marched off on another narrow road between a large bog and in the Forest, which was blocked off by hills and large walls constructed by the Germans. The Romans were slaughtered to a man: Some tried to run off and escape, but the Germanic cavalry was quicker and cut them down. At the end of the battle, Varus committed suicide, and the Romans were looted: Notably, the eagles were seized, which was the greatest insult to a Roman legion: Without your eagle, you were nothing.

Officers committed suicide, and slaves were captured. Several were kept, and many were sacrifices to the Gods. Heads were also nailed to trees.

Upon hearing the news,  Emperor Augustus famously slammed his head repeatedly against a wall in despair, repeating the phrase "VARUS, GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS!" Varus was too dead to respond. He reportedly would keep saying the phrase for months after, presumably mentally broken by the fact that a confederation of Germanic tribes, once loyal to Rome, had managed to not only successfully rebel, but utterly annihilate three Roman legions, something the Gauls couldn't even dream of doing.

Though two of the eagles were secured by Germanicus in his campaigns in Germania, and though he ravaged German territory, including Mattium, and subdued tribes such as the Marsi, the Romans never definitively held territory or made real progression into expanding territory in Europe North and East of the Rhine ever again.

*breathes out*

So, what's the point of me telling you this?

The point of this history lesson is simple: United we stand, Divided we fall.

The bankers, the politicians, the morons, are represented in Varus. We, the young and the old, the students and the workers, are represented in the Germanic tribes: Splintered, with plenty of in-fighting and betrayal, but could get to where we want if we united.

Even in the face of the greatest enemies and biggest odd, the smallest of tribes can make the biggest of differences if we unite and we fight the enemy. The trouble is that not only are we splintered, but we have grown far too apathetic to our inevitable fate: Tax dodging is met with shrugs. Heading to the food bank is the norm. We lay our necks on the chopping blocks and don't bother to question why it should be us and not the fatcat arseholes who failed in the first place and who we bailed out.

The problem is that we don't want what's best for the majority, but what's best for us alone. We vote with our hearts and not our heads. The old don't care for the young, and the young don't care for the old. Instead, all we did is sit and tut at bankers while bicker with eachother constantly. We've stopped holding out hands to help the fallen, instead holding out hands to go "WATCH THE OTHER HAND" and use the other hand to bitchslap the fallen. 

And if we can't bridge the age gap, and my generation can't trust the older generations, then maybe WE should unite. We alreadu realise that the older generations are more content with grumbling, tutting, and voting Labour than actually bothering to vote intelligently and offer a helping hand, so why don't we unite? We are divided in camps between the intelligent, the working Apprentice, the protestor with change in their eyes and the protestor with destruction and looting in their eyes.

Imagine if we could unite and rally under a single banner, like Arminius did the Germanic tribes, and gain a victory over the old and the elite.

Yes, I am aware this basically adheres to my hatred of speaking and not doing something, but by the Gods above in the Great Hall, one person cannot act alone. We need to unite and do something before our generation collapses under the weight of the older generations expectations and our own crushed dreams. Form a political party, try and get our voices heard or, at the very least, start up organisations and funds to help eachother. Try and hold out hands to eachother rather than chastising eachother. They say we are heading into the dark ages and constantly growing uncivilised, well if that's the case, then I welcome it, because at least moving away from civilisation has cracked open certain tribal and clannish behaviours in ourselves.

And all we need is someone to gather the clans and tribes and unite us under a single banner and help us find a voice or, at the very least (like the Gauls), a desperate, violent and defiant struggle to show that we are no longer willing to be trodden upon while the rich get richer. Like at Teutoburg, we are outmatched and outgunned, with detractors in their thousands and the rich stepping on our necks, but if all those years ago, the Germanic people could put their differences aside, stand under one banner, and rally in a desperate, victorious struggle against a larger, stronger force, then why can't we?

If we don't act, what's to stop this country, or the world, from descending into an economic cesspool with no hopes of return?

If we have to descend into the warlike fervous and primal madness of the early ages of civilisation just to witness the future, then maybe it is time we take that short step backwards to take the long step forwards.

V - Cast Your Net Wide (And Miss)

One of the first things I was told when signing on was that I shouldn't even bother looking to the immediate area for work. According to my Job Advisor, my only real hope of finding a job this century was to look further afield, at least a 90 minutes journey away.

Naturally, I began looking as far north as Inverness and as far south as Stevenage.

My problem is simple: Contrary to the belief of the old and imbecilic, the people who think you can find a job by popping into your local conscription office and asking Corporal Jones to send you off to Germany to fight the Huns, or popping into your nearby mines, doffing a hat and mining coal, I don't get paid much JSA. I get around £50 a week, £100 fortnightly every time i'm paid. If you talked to any random British imbecile who has no independent thoughts and only knows what they're spoonfed by the media, they'd think i'd be living in a mansion right now, scraping up ludicrous amounts of dole money and living with twenty kids while owning ten Ferrari's and living the high life.

Though £100 sounds too much, and i'm sure there's some person older than 40 shaking his fist at the screen and going "DANGNABBIT YOU COTTON-PICKIN' SHIFTLESS WEE BUGGER! YEH SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT YOU'RE GIVEN!!!", you have to realise that the average trainfare to areas populated with jobs (ie; Leeds, Edinburgh, Sheffield, York) costs at least £20, and at most, £80 for a return. Keep in mind that's just to attend a possible interview: If I wanted to actually take a full time job there, guess who has no salary unless he can somehow horde his JSA and afford the rent of a local flat? This guy.

However, that isn't really a problem for me. I know what I have to do. Unlike some of my peers, I've come to terms with my inevitable fate and embrace it: I'm going to have to leave home if I want a cat in hells chance of actually achieving something.

That problem isn't really a problem. It's a necessary obstacle i'm fully prepared to overcome. Even if it drains my bank account, it's still a step i'm willing to take.

Why?

In the Tyne-Tees-Wear Region at least, there are basically three major types of jobs:

i) Care Work

ii) Construction Work

iii) IT Development

i) Care Work is utterly abundant, mostly for care assistants as the population up here grows old and starts keeling over because the youth who can escape, have escaped and did escape years ago. Those who haven't escaped are trying desperately to escape and thus will do anything to escape, include taking care work. Occasionally, you might scrape a job in the NHS, which is utterly thankless, and I honestly salute any doctor/care assistant/nurse/whatever who works with the NHS, because i'll be damned if those boys and girls aren't working their asses off for shit pay and a country (forcefed by the media) that loathes them.

ii) The North East is a traditional base for construction. You can't move for construction jobs here. Traditionally a job for the dumb, it's become a job for the shiftless chav in grey tracksuit bottoms. I WOULD call them brainless and imbecilic specimens unsuitable for any job that doesn't require them to haul goods around like a pack mule, but they are the ones with a job at the end of the day and not me, so I have zero high ground over them. The North is always looking for these jobs, and they dwarf in comparison to other jobs requiring intelligence. This is why I pined for not applying for an Apprenticeship: The absolute morons I knew went for it, and they have jobs right now. Arseholes.

iii) Although, as noted above, the North is a traditional base for construction, it's also becoming a base for IT Development. Now, six years ago when I was forced to apply to UCAS, this wasn't the case. IT Development was slowly starting up, but nowhere near the peak it was today. Had I known it would fill the job searches for the North East, I would've went for a degree in Computer Developing or Programming or whatever instead. I've always had an interest in computers and in programming, but I never knew that knowing the ins and outs of JAVA and C++ would actually give me a job up here. In London? Sure, but not up here. Six years later, I wake up in a cold sweat, crying that I was fucking stupid enough to go for an English degree.

You may wonder what the point of this is: Well, this isn't really a rant per se, but more an explanation of my circumstances. Currently, I'm hoarding money from my JSA to head down to York and Leeds with a satchel full of CV's, because even if I fail, it at least gives me a day out. There's nothing here in Middlesbrough aside from the three job types labelled above...and cleaning work, but trust me when I say i've essentially applied for dozens of cleaning posts over the past fortnight (I'm not above mopping up piss for a paycheck. Anyone who is, is clearly delusional about the current economic situation.) which means my chances of finding a job at home are worthless.

So i'm applying elsewhere. Though the three job types above are abundant, there are a wider range of jobs available out there elsewhere. One major hope for me is to secure a job in Scotland, where at least I have the possibility of crawling to the doorstep of some of my family members and begging for help, rather than just falling to my knees and begging for help here. That and..I love Scotland. Simple. Plus Edinburgh has a vast abundance of job types.

My only real bitter feeling towards being forced away from home is that the Tories seem to believe I should be moving South rather than heading North, and that my job applications seem to go unnoticed by the companies. My Job Advisor advised me to throw my net wide, and keep dragging it in. One day, i'll snag something, even if my net is empty these first ten thousand times. 

The Jobcentre should really twist arms more often when it comes to distance. Trying to find a job in the nearby area is hopeless, but at least moving elsewhere gives you some glimmer of hope, not just of finding a job, but of gaining independence. (Which is probably a major worry in the eyes of many youth who feel robbed blind by the shiftless and worthless Tory-Lib Dem Coalition) Right now, i'm missing, but at least i'm not delusional: I know I have no hope of finding a job here.

It's the one thing stopping me from cutting my own throat: Knowing that, one day, i'll cast my net wide and i'll finally land something.

And even if it is mopping up piss in Inverness, at least I can lean against the mop and realise that i've finally achieved my dream and escaped England.

IV - Braveheart Rolling In His Grave

Rebellion. It's a loaded word these days and nothing more.

Humanity has obviously become more jaded as the decades have ticked on, because these days, we threaten rebellion for anything and everything.  Somebody voted the Tories in? REBELLION! We're in the EU? REBELLION! Zero Hours Contracts? REBELLION! We don't like this new version of Windows? REBELLION! My coffee's too cold? REBELLION!

Several centuries ago, nobody said outright "REBELLION!" Rebellion's occurred and unfolded slowly and surely. But they actually occurred over time, and for just causes. For the English Civil War, the Parliament essentially rebelled against King Charles and the divine right of kings. Rightfully tired of being screwed around and only restored (They were abolished for around a decade so Charles could rule by himself.) so Charles could bum them for money. "AW, C'MON! GIMME SOME CHANGE, PARLIAMENT! I NEED TO PAY OFF SCOTLAND, EVEN THOUGH I'VE BEEN AT WAR WITH THEM, BECAUSE THEY'VE INVADED NEWCASTLE! C'MON, GIMME SOME CHANGE!!" In Scotland, the Wars of Independence began after the Scots grew weary of the constant and sudden political changes following the death of Alexander III and Edward I and II interjecting themselves into Scottish matters. Even then, it took time: It wasn't until they installed Balliol as essentially a puppet king when the swords started to swing and battles unfolded. Wallace saw his family killed before he turned into Braveheart, and The Bruce didn't even bother rebelling against his masters, the English, until Scotland was well and truly subdued, at which point he turned to Scotland and led them against England to victory over the course of several years. In America, rebellion turned into full blown revolution: Rightfully so, the colonials refused to pay the insubordinate tax on tea that was forced on them. First came the rebellions and the Tea Parties, and the desire to actually have representation in parliament, but of course, the Brits stomped their foots down, shot several troublemakers, and rebellion became revolution.

The point is this: The West loves to say rebellion these days. But we'll never undergo another one.

All those centuries ago, rebellions and revolutions occurred not only because people were genuinely trodden upon, and regularly shot and killed at intervals for the craic of it (See: The rebellion in the North against Norman rule and the subsequent Harrying of the North.), countries were subjugated and entire peoples were stood upon by greedy governments for the sake of it.

These days, we threaten rebellion for anything. And it's lost all meaning. So much so that when it does come around, it fails completely.

In Britain, there seems to be a fine line between threatening and descending into rebellion, a line which is irritably toed at a daily interval but which will never plunge into the latter.

With the Conservative-Lib Dem Coalition ruling the roost, with Europe encroaching ever further on Britain's shores, with the Union itself at risk, with austerity looming, with an unfair economic outlook, with rising unemployment, the calls for rebellion, revolution, and the desire to "wake up" are high, but nobody is going to take that step. Nobody is going to lead that step into rebellion.

Even when people are dying on the bread line, even when homes and possessions are repossessed while bankers down in London are paid in millions for failing, even when the North descends into a skewed percentage of unemployment compared to the South East and to Scotland, even when Scotland's voice for independence stirs feelings in Wales, there is no desire to act out a rebellion.

The Government could send out death squads to kill those who insult Nick Clegg and we would just sit there, check our fingernails and shrug, thinking "Well, y'know, I had a good run.." The closest Britain seems to get to rebellion are threatening to vote UKIP and joining the EDL on marches: The former is doomed to failure, thanks to the brainwashing of too many regions to either vote Tory or Labour automatically, while the latter are attended by people who are so incomprehensibly stupid that they can't tie their own shoes without professional help, lest they injure themselves.

So why is that the British people are all talk and no action? Why do we put up with bankers robbing us, the government killing us, our children starving, and a totally unbalanced and unfair country? Why is it we only talk about rebellion, grumbling in low voices about doing something?

Methinks the answer lies in the haze of the London Riots, the biggest act of rioting in recent memory in Britain.

To keep it short: In London, the riots occurred following the shooting of Mark Duggan by the police. Was it a rebellion? You could see it like that: It spread to certain cities after engulfing London and led to fires and destruction. However, unlike rebellions in history, it quickly fizzled out after a few days and did not spread.

Why? Two reasons:

One, because we're gutless cowards. We didn't want to be seen as a "civilised" country descending into madness and going to desperate, defiant measures to voice our displeasure. All the older generations did were stand by and tut at the feral youth as fires razed buildings around them. The same older generations who are apparently sick and tired of zero hours contracts, sick of their pensions being sapped while bankers head for the Mediterranean in two-story yachts filled with bullions, sick of having to head to food banks just to survive. 

The second reason is, let's admit it, because we're greedy bastards. The riots in London started after protests grew into unrest over the shooting of Duggan, and when the unrest boiled over, it turned into youth mayhem. Had any other younger generation in history been rioting, it probably would have become rebellion: No high streets burning, no houses being threatened with bricks, but instead a lynch mob heading for police stations and Parliament, fearing no force on this Earth, to ensure justice was done and the injustice of daily life was eradicated.

For us greedy fucks, that wasn't the case.

Instead, the riots descended into greed-fuelled lunacy. The original message was purged in flames: Nobody cared that Duggan was originally believed to have been shot unfairly and rashly (Ongoing court cases are currently unfolding evidence on the case. Whether or not you believe Duggan was shot in self-defence or not...), nobody cared that the police grossly exercised their power and killed Duggan: Instead, it was seen as a payday. Rebellion? Not likely. Just greed. The televisions were alight in scenes of stupid, thick-skulled, inbred, hooded youths rushing out of stores with handfuls and armfuls of goodies while the City burned around them. Similar scenes unfolded in cities such as Manchester, not because it was in protest for Duggan, but because they saw the media coverage and thought "Hey, free shit! Let's burn things and smash windows!"

The grumbling was thus, justified. There was no overall message at the end of it all. Just greed.

And, of course, to complain about these things means "first world problems", because apparently just because someone is starving in Africa, and because there are death squads roaming third-world countries slaughtering women and children just for the sake of it, we can't actually raise our voices to complain about what might be seen as injustice. So, to avoid being seen as selfish, we keep quiet.

We speak and shout about rebellion, but at the end of the day, we're either too personally greedy to want to change the country through such a drastic action, or we're simply too polite and reserved to be bothered, thus reserving talks of an America, Greek, Italian, Spanish, French or British Revolution to internet forums. Where we'll threaten to stand up and overthrow our countries corrupt governments and bankers, only to sit there and go "....YEAH!...........ANY MINUTE NOW!" Like on this very blog: Then again, I realise I can only talk about. One man standing on a soapbox in a city square doesn't count for rebellion so much as it counts for that man being totally goddamn insane. And if rebellion does occur, well, the situation in London warns us that it'll just descend into greed and madness.

The roaring spirit of Braveheart has turned into the damp squib of Grumblechest.

Maybe one day, the West will have a war cry against Wall Street injustice and corruption that amounts to more than "TO THE INTERNET!" or "TAKE ALL THE FREE THINGS!!!"

But I doubt snowboarding will ever become a past-time in Hell.