VII - Back To The Future

Every person I speak to about Jobcentre Plus says the same things about them.

"Oh, they help a lot!"

Nope.

"They're great!"

No.

"They helped me get a job!"

Nada.

"They made me jump through several hoops for my payments. My meetings were often patronising. When asked to attend sessions, they simply repeated things I already knew and were of little help. In the end, I was the one who got me a job, no thanks to them."

DING DING DING!

Attending my first of several 18-24 Online Job Searching sessions today, I realised that it's going to be a long fortnight. Why? Because not only was it stuff I already knew, but it was stuff that Jobcentre staff themselves had gone over me with and made me do.

In the words of Charlie Brown: "GOOD GRIEF".

Thankfully, their Internet was down, meaning my session is one I have to do at home. It makes me feel like i'm fucking 10 again. "Go home and do this, and bring it back for tomorrows class!"

Only this time, I won't get detention: I'll be withheld money which I direly need for my TEFL course.

As a 21 year old brought up in the 90s and hitting my teenage years when Apple brought out the first iPod and technology was advancing so fast it took me 2 years to realise my friends Blackberries weren't actual fruits, I think I know a thing or two about technology. In Part A alone, i'm required to set up a sensible e-mail account with my name and a number (Did that the very first time I set up my e-mail, over a decade ago.), download my CV (I created the bastard), Send it to the Jobcentre (Did that with my advisor a fortnight ago), and set up a folder for ongoing job applications (Did that when my Inbox started getting messages from Nigerian princes.) Also, BEWARE OF PHISHING

Wait, you mean the guys who want to give me a gigantic twenty foot long penis AREN'T legitimate? Well, gosh darnit, I wish I hadn't given them my debit card details!

Part B is even better: Signing up to Universal Jobs Match.

I was told to do this when I first signed on, so guess who has two thumbs and already has the bases covered?

THIS GUY!

It runs down a list of stuff that should, presumably, have been done by a Jobseeker first time around: Upload CV? Check. Personalise skills for job matches? Check. Activate goddamn account? Check. Find a job and save it? Check, check, bloody check.

There's so many checks here I think I may be back in the Republic. (Note: That's a joke about the pronunciation of 'check' and 'Czech', in case anyone was wondering.)

All done, all dusted, and I did it in the past. I am Marty McFly.

Part C just takes the cake: Getting a Job on the Internet.

I had to read a hand-out that essentially stated "Sign up for jobs, upload your CV. We will not take 'There are no jobs' for an answer. Now, go along."

Of the eight sites they pasted the logos of onto the paper, I'm signed up for 7.

Marty McFly strikes again!

Applied for two jobs (In addition to two already applied for this morning), and then came having to contact a local employer with my CV.  Did so, as I have done several times before. Bang, done.

The problem is that it isn't much help.

It's bases i've covered so many times that it's second nature and almost like a full-time job in of itself. Log on first thing in the morning, apply for at least two jobs, grab breakfast, check for more jobs, apply for any available, contact possible employers...and the Jobcentre seems to believe that just going over bases already covered will help.

Though I understand that there are a lot of cases of parasitical leeches who have caused anyone seeking benefit to be declared a fraud and a parasite, who don't want jobs so much as they want free money, but it's the same stuff I don't really need. I can do this by heart now, and it's irritating. What I want is a session where I can sit down with my advisor and talk out my plans for my future.

I want to apply for a TEFL course. I want to go abroad and teach. I want you to help me either get there or find a job that can distract me while getting there.

Ergo, there's the problem: The Jobcentre isn't focused on what you want, but what they want. You are merely a number on a database that, as far as they're concerned, is a leech and should be removed as soon as possible. This is why they vomit out poorly-planned sessions: There's no personal touch, there's no real contact, it's just that you are a leech and should be erased.

I don't want to live here, dammit! Surely you can help if you realise that's one less burden on the taxpayer?!

But no, "Sign up for Jobsmatch, apply for jobs, and do everything you've done since Secondary School." Then it's "Thank you, fuck you, bye".

It's all about catching out the leeches, and not about getting anyone a job. If they don't catch you out, they will wear you down until you simply concede defeat. Want to know why the unemployment figures fall? Because people aren't finding work, no, if they were, they'd heavily advertise the amount of people in work: Instead, it's advertising people who have simply given up.

Sick of the red tape, sick of the vomited out sessions, sick of being patronised, and would rather commit suicide by tying a noose around their neck to a lamppost, sitting in a car and driving off at 60mph, leaving a streak of blood as they drive to Valhalla's gates in a broken down Ford.

Maybe if they spent more time listening and helping, and less time lording over pointless schemes and pointless things already done by anyone with half a brain, the country might look better.

But the Tories want everything by the book, so they can pretend they're helping.

And all it's doing is hindering.