VI - Varus, Give Me Back My Legions! (And My Generation)

Everybody loves an underdog.

Success stories are still uncommon in todays society, so an underdog story is always welcome. After hearing tales of bankers being let off with a slap on the wrist, politicians being liars, paedophiles, bigots, racists and cheats and still getting off with large bonuses and remaining in jobs, celebrities being gigantic arseholes and talentless wastes of carbon and still getting paid billions, and having to bear witness to the general dregs and underlings of society rise to the top while the good, hard-working, long-suffering people sink to the bottom...An underdog story is refreshing.

As a major history buff, one underdog story that never fails to captivate my imagination is Teutoburg Forest 9 AD.

To sum it up: The Roman Empire was expanding, and expanding fast.  By 9 AD, the Empire had a large list of territories: Egypt, Gaul, Iberia, Illyria, Pontus, Parts of Africa including Carthage, Sparta, Athens, Parts of Germania, Britain.....and their opponents at Teutoburg, the Germanic tribes, had.....an awkward relationship.

The problem for Germania was they suffered the same problem as the Celtic Iberians and Gauls who had fallen before Rome: There was in-fighting, bickering, and constant tribal wars. Celtic tribes would regularly pledge allegiance to Rome just to fight another tribe (Notably, prior to the Gallic Wars, Caesar had allies in Celtic tribes, notably the Aedui, who helped them beat the Helvetii), and in the end, Rome just subjected them to her rule anyway. Germania was odd: Though Rome held snippets of Germanic territories, Germanic tribes fought tooth and nail to remain a thorn in Rome's side. East of the Rhine was generally uncontrolled, and even though Rome had gained some victories against Germania, notably exterminating the Cimbri (A major Germanic tribe), tribes such as the Marcomanni and Chatti rose up to keep Rome on its toes. Rome had few major gains in Germania: The territory it did have was labelled Germania Minor. Rome made a point to subdue tribes such as the Cherusci and Cananefates, but tribal alliances (Such as a large alliance between the Marcomanni, Hermunduri, Lugians, Langobards and various others) ensured Rome was kept busy.

The Cherusci were an early victim, being subdued in 12 BC, and was considered a Roman ally. Segimerus, Chieftain of the Cherusci, handed over his two sons, Arminius and Flavus, to the Romans as a tribute, essentially "Please don't hurt us." However, at the time (6-9 AD) a major uprising was occurring in Illyria, thanks to the Daesitiates, Pannonians and Breuci in unrest at severe starvation and Roman rule. Germania was barely held together by Rome, and with a severe uprising occurring, the governor, Tiberius, had to abandon his campaign to gain land in Germania to head to Illyria. He had planned to go to war with the Marcomanni (A major Germanic tribe) who had, as stated earlier, rallied several tribes, across the Rhine, but couldn't do this, instead heading off to a costly war.

Quinctilius Varus was installed as governor. He had just three legions against a horde of very angry, very pissed and very untameable Germanic tribes.

However, relations deteriorated between Germanic tribes rapidly following in-fighting and constant skirmishes and wars against eachother. At least when Tiberius marched off, the Germans were too busy fighting eachother.

Enter Arminius....again.

Though his father was viewed with disdain by Germanic tribes, Arminius, having been raised and trained by Rome, and returned to his tribal homeland to accompany and aid Varus in his governing, drew together a secret alliance, united under their despisal of Varus, including the Cherusci,  Chauci, Chatti and Suebi. Not only was this list a long list of enemies, but it was also a list of Roman dominions: States under Roman rule in Germania.  An uprising occurred, and Varus quickly rushed off to subdue it. Arminius led him.

At this point, the stupidity of Varus really shows:

1) Varus was warned by Segestes, father of Arminius' wife (Who, like any stepfather, loathed the husband, Arminius), that Arminius was planning an assault and had planned the uprising. Varus ignored him, on basis that Segestes was always going to be hostile to Arminius and attempt to undermine him. Perhaps the only case in history ever recorded of a stepfather telling the truth.

2) Arminius rode off away to "drum up Germanic support for Rome". He instead drummed up Germanic support and troops for his planned attack, destroying local Roman garrisons, thus essentially forcing Varus on his route through Teutoburg Forest to erect a camp on his way to the uprising. Varus didn't find it fishy that Arminius had just rode off and that local garrisons were being randomly destroyed.

3) Varus, marching on a several-mile trek through Teutoburg, didn't have his troops rest, even though they were marching in non-combat formation and it began raining, thus bogging them down in heavy mud, nor did he send out advanced reconaissance to scout the gigantic forest that might possibly hold several-thousand pissed off Germanic tribal warriors.

Varus kept marching. The Germans attacked.

Now, this was a forest, heavily crowded. On a narrow path. Bogged with rain. With camp followers and a baggage train being carried. In non-combat formation. In unfamiliar territory. Against Germans familiar with the territory. Led by a man familiar in Roman tactics.

You can basically see how this ends.

The Germans clashed with the Romans, and thousands died. The Romans could not counter as Arminius directed the troops (Notably, the troop numbers were heavily bolstered by deserting Germanic Roman militia and auxiliaries who had joined the cause of Arminius) to counter these tactics perfectly. A struggle ensued, and the survivors rushed off, setting up a night camp hastily. The next day, they rushed out into the Wiehen Hills, still harassed by pursuing Germanic warriors. More men died. In a desperate night march, the Romans marched off on another narrow road between a large bog and in the Forest, which was blocked off by hills and large walls constructed by the Germans. The Romans were slaughtered to a man: Some tried to run off and escape, but the Germanic cavalry was quicker and cut them down. At the end of the battle, Varus committed suicide, and the Romans were looted: Notably, the eagles were seized, which was the greatest insult to a Roman legion: Without your eagle, you were nothing.

Officers committed suicide, and slaves were captured. Several were kept, and many were sacrifices to the Gods. Heads were also nailed to trees.

Upon hearing the news,  Emperor Augustus famously slammed his head repeatedly against a wall in despair, repeating the phrase "VARUS, GIVE ME BACK MY LEGIONS!" Varus was too dead to respond. He reportedly would keep saying the phrase for months after, presumably mentally broken by the fact that a confederation of Germanic tribes, once loyal to Rome, had managed to not only successfully rebel, but utterly annihilate three Roman legions, something the Gauls couldn't even dream of doing.

Though two of the eagles were secured by Germanicus in his campaigns in Germania, and though he ravaged German territory, including Mattium, and subdued tribes such as the Marsi, the Romans never definitively held territory or made real progression into expanding territory in Europe North and East of the Rhine ever again.

*breathes out*

So, what's the point of me telling you this?

The point of this history lesson is simple: United we stand, Divided we fall.

The bankers, the politicians, the morons, are represented in Varus. We, the young and the old, the students and the workers, are represented in the Germanic tribes: Splintered, with plenty of in-fighting and betrayal, but could get to where we want if we united.

Even in the face of the greatest enemies and biggest odd, the smallest of tribes can make the biggest of differences if we unite and we fight the enemy. The trouble is that not only are we splintered, but we have grown far too apathetic to our inevitable fate: Tax dodging is met with shrugs. Heading to the food bank is the norm. We lay our necks on the chopping blocks and don't bother to question why it should be us and not the fatcat arseholes who failed in the first place and who we bailed out.

The problem is that we don't want what's best for the majority, but what's best for us alone. We vote with our hearts and not our heads. The old don't care for the young, and the young don't care for the old. Instead, all we did is sit and tut at bankers while bicker with eachother constantly. We've stopped holding out hands to help the fallen, instead holding out hands to go "WATCH THE OTHER HAND" and use the other hand to bitchslap the fallen. 

And if we can't bridge the age gap, and my generation can't trust the older generations, then maybe WE should unite. We alreadu realise that the older generations are more content with grumbling, tutting, and voting Labour than actually bothering to vote intelligently and offer a helping hand, so why don't we unite? We are divided in camps between the intelligent, the working Apprentice, the protestor with change in their eyes and the protestor with destruction and looting in their eyes.

Imagine if we could unite and rally under a single banner, like Arminius did the Germanic tribes, and gain a victory over the old and the elite.

Yes, I am aware this basically adheres to my hatred of speaking and not doing something, but by the Gods above in the Great Hall, one person cannot act alone. We need to unite and do something before our generation collapses under the weight of the older generations expectations and our own crushed dreams. Form a political party, try and get our voices heard or, at the very least, start up organisations and funds to help eachother. Try and hold out hands to eachother rather than chastising eachother. They say we are heading into the dark ages and constantly growing uncivilised, well if that's the case, then I welcome it, because at least moving away from civilisation has cracked open certain tribal and clannish behaviours in ourselves.

And all we need is someone to gather the clans and tribes and unite us under a single banner and help us find a voice or, at the very least (like the Gauls), a desperate, violent and defiant struggle to show that we are no longer willing to be trodden upon while the rich get richer. Like at Teutoburg, we are outmatched and outgunned, with detractors in their thousands and the rich stepping on our necks, but if all those years ago, the Germanic people could put their differences aside, stand under one banner, and rally in a desperate, victorious struggle against a larger, stronger force, then why can't we?

If we don't act, what's to stop this country, or the world, from descending into an economic cesspool with no hopes of return?

If we have to descend into the warlike fervous and primal madness of the early ages of civilisation just to witness the future, then maybe it is time we take that short step backwards to take the long step forwards.