X - Give Quiche A Chance

Friday Night

21:00pm GMT

MISSION BRIEFING:

Alright Phil, tomorrow's mission is your standard infiltration. The Jobcentre are sending you to Kalinka's Bar to rendezvous with Middlesbrough Live Academy at the drop point.

"Wait, what? Kalinka's? What the hell is a Kalinka's? That sounds Russian."

It's an upscale cocktail bar serving the Middlesbrough public, and the job we want you to go for is about the only thing you have experience in: They're looking for glass collectors. So much for being a graduate, eh?

"I think we've already established that studying at Teesside University was a waste of time. Can't I just enquire about work experience?"

No. THE JOBCENTRE WILLS IT, OR WE WILL CLUB YOU TO DEATH AND EAT YOUR BONES. Ahem. Your mission is to hand in a copy of your CV in at Kalinka's and then pray that you can find a job. Radar photographs show that the area will be heavily guarded by pissed-up Smoggies, since tomorrow is Middlesbrough Music Live. The drunken Smoggies should give you enough cover to appear to be the smartest and most apt person there, thus giving you a chance of getting the job. Are you ready?

"Geezus, Middlesbrough Music Live? I hope you're paying for a stab vest. Do I get health insurance?"

The NHS will tend to your--

"THE NHS?!?! It just gets worse! So, I take a copy of my CV into Kalinka's, hand it in to someone who appears to know what they're talking about, and get out?"

Well, it wouldn't hurt to mingle with your future prospective employers.

"So, this isn't just an infiltration, but reconnaissance too? Seems like a lot of hoops to jump through for £100, considering I already cleared it up with you that i'm looking to apply for TEFL which will get me off your books sooner and indefinitely, but whatever gets me paid."

We've left you a tuxedo at the bar. Good luck, Agent.

"A tuxedo? It's Middlesbrough Music Live! Get me my satchel, my vomit-stained jeans, a leather jacket, and i'll fit right in!"

Lastly, photographs of the area show that someone from Geordie Shore was there tonight, and that you may have to rub elbows with chavs and general drunken people. Concerning statistics gleaned from ASDA applications earlier, we noted that over 2,000 people applied for 16 vacancies. While this provides excellent cover, we don't know if the NHS will be able to help you if you enter the Bar and find yourself crushed against a wall beneath a heaving column of Jobseekers flesh.

"Great. Crushed beneath a heaving column of flesh. I could go to Blu and get that done without jumping through hoops. Alright, Agent out."

SATURDAY MORNING

11:30am GMT

Are you ready, agent?

"This CAN'T be happening. You know I get that deer-caught-in-headlights stare when talking to other people, least of all future employers, and now you want me to enter a Bar and do it?!"

Agent, this is brilliant practice for the future! That and it gets you out of our hair because we don't give a single shit about you. 

"Well, at least the Jobcentre is truthful in that. Alright, i'm heading out now. Wish me luck."

Piss off, welfare sponge.

"Charming."

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

12:30pm GMT  

"This is Phil. I'm at the TU. Printing off CV and then heading for Kalinka's."
 

What's the security situation like?

"Quiet. Too quiet. Market stalls are being set up. There's a fair outside the library. Currently printing off mission documentation and expecting ninjas to get the drop on me. Chavvy ninjas. Chavvy heroin addict drunken ninjas."

Agent, we appreciate it, but you're still a welfare sponge and we still expect you to do this even though you've made it clear you want a career in Teaching English as a Foreign Language. STOP MESSING ABOUT AND COMPLETE YOUR MISSION!

"Look, I performed some early morning recon and I don't know if an event is occurring or what? Look, I don't want to be sucked in, or else the mission could be compromised. This should just be a standard walk-in and drop-off. I don't want to listen to shitty music and I certainly don't want to be forced to buy tickets just to hand in a CV!"

Agent, ARE YOU DARING TO IMPLY YOU ARE LAUNCHING AN INSURRECTION AGAINST THE JOBCENTRE? WE WILL WITHHOLD YOUR MONEY FOR 10 QUINTILLION YEARS IF YOU DO SO, EVEN IF IT IS AN ABNORMALLY HEAVY-HANDED PUNISHMENT FOR A MINOR INFRACTION!!!!

"Well, I have to eat, so I guess it's off to Kalinka's I go. When I get back, remind me to give your Jobcentre a few Molotov Cocktails."

You can get arrested for that.

"Oh no. You mean my own cell, three free meals a day, exercise and other privileges? Yikes, please don't do that to me!"

You are a pathetic individual.

"Tell that to the people who commit crimes just to get support from the state thanks to your red tape and abnormal loopholes that can prevent people from getting money they need at any time."

NOBODY USES LOGIC AGAINST THE JOBCENTRE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. OFF WITH YOU, AGENT!

"If I don't survive, spread my ashes at Saint James' Park so I may choke a Geordie in my death."

It's technically the Sports Direct Arena.

[Laughs] "Ah, man, that never gets old."

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

1:15PM GMT

Agent, are you there?

"This is Agent P. The mission headed south but I handed in my CV and escaped. I believe Kalinka attempted to use a new form of mind control to subdue me into staying."

No, Agent, we picked up on that feed: It was just shitty music.

"Oh."

But your mission was a success?

"Oh, yes, because stuttering, mumbling, smiling weakly and handing in my CV amongst a throng of  dead-eyed Jobseekers is a sign of success."

Still, you mingled with the people and a prospective employer.

"In Red Dwarf, there's a scene where Arnold Rimmer, having turned from a narcissistic egomaniac into a weak, limp-wristed pacifist, wears a t-shirt saying 'Give Quiche A Chance' and talks about pacifying an incredibly violent and malevolent Polymorph that's on Red Dwarf."

And?

"That's how I feel doing this on the Jobcentre's commands: Utterly useless, going nowhere, and generally stuttering like a moron in the hope something will come of it. They also held interviews, y'know."

AND?!

"I didn't stay for that part. When the owner wears grey tracksuit bottoms and ignores you, and when you're just randomly picked to have an interview after an hour of waiting, I just dropped my CV off."

INSOLENCE! YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED!

"I did what was asked of me. That's all. I wasn't prepared for an interview, and I tried to speak to the owner. If he doesn't want anything of it, then so be it."

Fine. Come home. Until the next day when we'll ask you to visit a conference centre in Newcastle or somewhere just to attend a jobs fair.

"I'm heading off to recon whatever is going on. Music Live or whatever"

Agent, are you insane?! IT'S MUSIC LIVE! THERE ARE DANGEROUS, IMBECILIC DRUNKARDS OUT THERE LISTENING TO HORRID INDIE MUSIC! IT'S SUICIDE!!"

"I'm a smoggy. I don't fear death. In fact, I welcome it! As you can tell by the general quality of air we breathe. Besides, it's only on tonight, and what's the worst that could happen when it comes to market stalls? Aside from food poisoning?"

Agent, if you die, we will harass your family with letters asking why you haven't shown up to sign on, because we're utterly incompetent at filing and following updates on our clients, and even if we're told someone dies, we still send them letters!

"Veni. Vidi. Vici."

Agent Peter, head for the extraction point this instant!

"MY NAME IS PHILIP, DAMN YOU! PHILIP! HOW DO YOU EVEN MIX THOSE TWO WORDS UP, YOU IDIOTS?! PETER HAS A HARD "PUH" INFLECTION, AND PHILIP HAS A SOFT "FIH" INFLECTION! I'M AN ENGLISH STUDENT, DAMN YOU, AND I CAN SPELL MY OWN GODDAMN NAME!!!!!!!!!"

SATURDAY AFTERNOON

2PM GMT

"This is Agent P. I'm at the extraction point. Or, as we call it, Middlesbrough Bus Station."

Good to see that you are still alive, Peter.

"IT'S PHILIP!"

Look, the Jobcentre has better things to do than know your name. What have you learnt from today?

  "When the Jobcentre says jump, I have to say "How High?" or else you'll stop my money, because you're too busy punishing the people who need it and not stopping the people who are just using it to buy massive televisions?"

 Good. Now that you thoroughly embarrassed yourself and handed your CV in during an event that could have got a normal agent killed, are you ready for your classroom session on Monday?

"You know what? I honestly don't think it's worth the effort. If it wasn't for the fact that I would pick up dog crap in my teeth just for a pound, I wouldn't even give you vapid sodomite pustules the time of day, but now you've got me by the balls, I have to do everything by the book. Tell me: I've already given you my plan. I've already let you know there is no chance in hell i'm signing back on once I complete my TEFL course, so why do I have to do these stupid missions? I have already brought dishonor upon myself and my family, so why must we overegg the pudding?"

Because the Government doesn't care. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'd love to give you a service that would actually help, but y'see, the Government is the one who is more concerned with catching people out and punishing those claiming welfare or removing them from welfare, rather than actually getting you a job.

"Wait, what?"

Look, we work for hours upon hours, dealing with violent drunks or heroin addicts, as well as dead-eyed students such as yourselves, and what do we get for it? The Tories and Lib-Dems pissing on us from a great height. It's not about finding you a job, it's about catching you out. It's an expensive game of British Bulldogs: We stand there and watch as you run past us to your benefits. The moment you so much as slip a toe in front of us, we'll grab you and you then become one of us: Dying inside with a complete hatred of those who get to claim benefits.

"So, our sad and pathetic existences are entwined with eachother?"
 

Yep.

"Then, in that case, I guess i'll be in on Monday."

Good. Oh, and agent? If Kalinka's has another recruitment event, guess where you'll be going?

"Under the wheels of a nearby bus?"

Atta boy!

MISSION COMPLETED

200 EXP AWARDED

 £135 AWARDED 

"GIVE QUICHE A CHANCE" ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED