II - "Sorry, You're Too Qualified"

There are many things about England which are eternally confusing to me: Why is London heralded as a brilliant city when its rife with knife crime, government and financial corruption, and is essentially just a large tourist attraction that exists to drain money from wallets? Why is the Angel of the North considered a great piece of art? Why did the Middlesbrough taxpayer have to foot the bill for the dreadful, utterly dreadful, piece of "art" named Temenos? How is it that Scotland, our neighbour, has a better economic outlook than us? Why do we believe we deserve better when we spent the last several centuries kicking the crap out of Europe, only to turn around and join a European Union, only to turn around and say we want out of it? Why do we believe that "the economic recovery of South-East England and absolutely nowhere else" means "the economic recovery of the entire country"? Why do we have such horribly stodgy native food? (Spotted Dick, Treacle Sponge, Yorkshire Pudding, Toad-In-The-Hole, Scones..The only decent British food is food we nicked off of other cultures ie; Chicken Tikka and Spaghetti)

Of course, all of these pale in comparison compared to the most confusing question yet: How can a person be TOO qualified for a job?

My Sister, bless her, took a degree in Media Studies. Now, she has spent so many hours applying for jobs that are Media-orientated, but a massive roadblock has stood in her way: She's too qualified. That's right: That degree we were promised would hold her hands and lead her to the top of the food chain has become the biggest goddamn anchor in her life. Why? Well, in the Media sector, there are a lot of apprenticeships being spewed out. Now, apprenticeships are basically as such: You apply and are paid utter peanuts to do the hard work and graft in exchange for actual useful skills, during which you also study for and gain an NVQ in a certain specialised area (Say, Media Design). At the end of the apprenticeship, they either say "Sorry, we're not taking you on permanently" (Which basically translates to: "Sorry, you've done good work for which you've been exploited, but you'd be a burden on the payroll and though you may want to have a good life, we need to feed our ugly kids asparagus and parmesan shavings with truffles."), in which case you trudge off with valuable lessons (Namely: Don't trust the government or anyone with a higher position than yourself.) Or you get taken on, which basically means you've got it made.

However, whenever she has applied for apprenticeships, it's the same: Sorry, you're too qualified.

Wait, what?

It's an odd position to be in. You basically go into further education, come out the other end, and suddenly discover it was all bollocks. She's still working in Retail manning tills, and i'm unemployed. Had we skipped University and taken apprenticeships or actual work experience, we'd probably be out of the house and earning a half-decent wage by now.

This is a similar problem i'm having: Though i'm applying daily for jobs (On a good week, I can get including and over 30 applications out. Which, i'm sure you over-80s will say, "ISN'T ENOUGH YOU SHOULD BE SLAVING AWAY OUTSIDE CHIPPING AT ROCKS LIKE BACK IN OUR DAY", because if there's one thing i've learnt, it's that the older generations are so out-of-touch with reality i'm surprised we don't see OAP's riding unicorns and manticores to their bingo nights. Trust me: If I could do like you miserable buggers did, walk into an office, ask for a job and get one, I'd goddamn do it.), there is still an utter abundance of apprenticeships out there. On the Jobcentre Plus website, i'm constantly coming across Apprenticeships, which must account for over half of the actual vacancies on there.

Same problem: Post graduates need not apply. You're too qualified.

Now, you may wonder WHO i'm blaming: After all, I will admit that going for a degree is completely my fault. Though I had the foresight to go for an English degree, thus going for the least Mickey Mouse degree out of a category of Mickey Mouse degree's (Look, I applied for University when I was thinking with heart rather than head), I still took the decision.

Actually, I PARTLY took the decision. Y'see, back in my Sixth Form, they literally took it upon themselves to, one day, sit down and make everyone fill out UCAS and University applications. We did it for several weeks. There was no asking "Hang on, do you want to be an apprentice instead?", There was no asking "Hang on, there's an economic crisis starting, what if thrusting them into further education and further debt is a bad idea? (I was in Sixth Form in 2007, when those stupid Yanks began experiencing the hurt from selling mortgages who couldn't afford to pay them back.) It was just a case of sitting there and doing it. Then we got our results back. Then we got confirmations from University. Funnily enough, I thought I was going to miss out on UNi because I got an E in English (I LOATHED my teachers and learning at Nunthorpe.) In a funny aneurysm moment, I actually would have been BETTER OFF if I did, because I could just turn around and apply for an apprenticeship.

However, I also blame the educational establishments and the government. For years, thanks to the Labour Party (Complete assholes), there was a grand lie stirring around that this whole University lark, which they opened up for a wider range of people, would instantly make you employable, handsome, sexy, virile, and give you the ability to tame a Yeti.

What bullshit.

Several decades later, and the dream's over: No, your degree is worthless now. See, even I will agree that sending someone straight into working positions is a better idea than sending them into further education, but I never questioned it, because I was always brought up with the idea, from Primary School, that further education in University will instantly make me a goddamn rich man from the age of 21 with ten women in my arms and a fleet of Ferrari's at my disposal.

I actually think it was a clever ploy by Labour. A bunch of bullshit so that it could engineer more people out of work with worthless degrees so they could turn around, point at the Tories, and go "SEE ALL THESE UNEDUCATED YOUTH? ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

This lie that degree's were better than they are was also fielded with the lie of "Study what you want"/ Uh, no, that's bullshit. See, I was told to study History. For those that don't know, I am a HUGE History buff. I have dreams of being a member of the Sacred Band and killing Legionary's. I often think about what would happen if a fleet of Vikings sailed into a fleet of ninja's. I can name the true first King of England (Athelstan, via victory at Brunanburh where he united the fractured kingdoms of the island, not Alfred.), I can tell you where and how Good Sir James Douglas died, I can even tell you why the English Civil War was fought and why Cromwell was such an arsehole (Hey, there's a reason why we haven't been a Republic since.) I chose not to. Why? Because a degree in History is highly specialised, and there's no point in taking a specialised degree when a broad degree like English comfortably covers all bases.

It's a good idea, isn't it? Being able to study what you want? Sadly, this thing called 'reality' will soon make you realise that life is cruel and inhospitable, and you can't have your cake and eat it too. You have to adapt labour markets or you sit on the dole, curl up, and pray one of your applications is accepted.

And this is why we have Apprenticeships.

In todays economic climate, companies are more interested in instant cheap labour than an actual workforce. It's a lot easier to take a young moron, make him work for you for a few months for absolute peanuts, then chuck him out the door, then it is to hire him.

God forbid these plebs should actually want a paycheck and job security! My wife needs new Gucci's!

There's your trouble: Greed.

But if that was the case, why not hire a graduate for work experience or an Apprenticeship? Not only are they knowledgeable in the area you work in, thus increasing output, but they'll take ANYTHING. Hell, if you stepped on the average graduate's back to reach a shelf, they'll ask if you want anything while they're down there (Contrary to popular belief, most graduates aren't greedy, shiftless, self-entitled bags of piss and wind that the old idiots of this country believe, but that's another entry for another day.)

Odd, isn't it?

It can only be because you want to take someone on who you can completely mould and conform to your own image, and then throw him away when you're done with him. It's not about growing as a business and the idea of businesses serving the community in England is absolutely dead and buried thanks to greedy fat conmen. It's about cheap labour. Which is why the immigrant workforce is lauded.  It's also about unyielding hard labour. Again, which is why the immigrant workforce is lauded: After all, according to the businessmen (morons) of this country, it's easier to hire an immigrant or apprentice who is utterly desperate and will work for peanuts and won't slack off. Again, out of touch with reality, because the amount of graduates who are on zero-hours contracts who take more than one job just to keep their dreams alive grows constantly. All you do is pay them minimum wage and they won't stop til you snap their legs.

C'est la vie, I guess. It's easier to keep the revolving door policy open. It's easier to break in a moron than someone who has a brain and experience. Government grants are delicious and you get them even if you push the moron away at the end of it.

It's odd. See, if I was running an Apprenticeship, I'd hire someone who knew their basics, and thus would be able to hone their skills and learning into a more specialised area. I wouldn't have to worry about them running off to College to gain an NVQ: I could give them full on the job training because they actually know their shit. At the end of the Apprenticeship, i'd have someone who was well-trained and qualified FOR ME. Because if I ran an Apprenticeship, it would be tailored to MY company and thus used to train people to MY specifications, rather than just running them off at the end of it to have them basically become the equivalent of a University graduate with less book smarts. Then, not only would I have a government grant, but an actual worker who is trained specifically for me and my company, and someone who realises the importance of work.

But that's too logical, isn't it? Why bother training a fully-educated person for your line of work so you can show them the ropes, turn them into your perfect worker, hire them straight away, when you can drag in a fresh-faced kid, mould them to your image, then push them away and suck up the government grants?

So, yes, i'm too over-qualified. 

This brings us to the message of this blog: If any of you out there are thinking about going to University or College or whatever, let this be the one piece of advice that burns into your brains.

DON'T.

It's a waste of money, It's a waste of time, and it's a grand lie vomited out by educational establishments that you will be more employable if you have a degree.

Take an Apprenticeship and gain actual skills.

Oh, and if you're already applied/studying for a University, i'll give you a second piece of advice:

Prepare to invest in valium and new shoes for walking to the Jobcentre. You'll need them.